


To Love is a Death Wish

by sadwizardvibes (heckyeons)



Category: Dreamer Trilogy - Maggie Stiefvater, Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: A pinch of bluesey for the soul, Abusive Parents, Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim Fusion, Enemies to Lovers, Joseph Kavinsky is His Own Warning, M/M, Mild Sexual Harrassment, Robert Parrish Is His Own Warning, the boys are angry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:56:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28726965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heckyeons/pseuds/sadwizardvibes
Summary: When Adam Parrish graduates from the academy and becomes an official jaeger pilot, he thinks he's finally made it. Finally, he'll have everything he's worked for. When he meets his new co-pilot, Ronan Lynch, he realizes he's not out of the woods yet.
Relationships: Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 7
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i saw someone in the pynch tag do this and before i could read a word of that fic i was filled with more inspiration and motivation than i have had in a thousand years. I spent all day yesterday writing an outline, and all day today doing this, so enjoy!

The bay that Adam stepped foot into on his first day was so huge it took his breath away. It must have been larger than two or three football fields, full of people working and rushing about the vast expanse and the noises of their shouts reverberating off the walls. As he wandered further in, he craned his neck back, trying to take it all in, his jaw slack with wonder. Tucked into separate smaller bays were two colossal machines, the kind that he had only seen on tv before, or read about in books at the academy. He knew how they worked, and he had worked on parts of them individually in school, but he never could have fathomed the sheer size of the entire thing put together.

A jaeger.

The one in front of him was massive, the panels on the outside dented and used. There was scaffolding built around it, crawling with people drilling, hammering, and shouting orders. Past them he could see it's blue and silver paint job, shipped and worn. Next to it was a machine in disuse. It was a little smaller than the first, with a chic black paint job over smoothly curved panels that hid all the heavy machinery on the inside. No one was working on this one, so Adam could take in the entire sight. He grinned, and for a moment, he let himself feel it.

He was really, finally here.

A loud beep shook him out of his stupor, and he jumped out of the way of a vehicle with a single driver making its way down the walkway. Shaking his head and regaining his composure, Adam weaved his way through the working people, ducking under thick wires and dodging past flying sparks and swinging hammers, heading further into the bunker. He was headed for a doorway on the opposite wall when a shout got his attention.

"Hey!" the voice said, "Over here!"

Adam looked up, spotting a guy who definitely didn't look like he belonged in a bay with heavy machinery. He was dressed in a white button up with the sleeves rolled up, tucked into a pair of jeans, and he was quickly descending a metal staircase that Adam had originally clocked as scaffolding. Upon further investigation, he could see that it also connected to a balcony that wrapped all the way around the bay, with a series of catwalks that lead across the open expanse and doorways that lead further into the building.

"You're Adam, right? Parrish?" The guy was in front of him now, dark hair swept in a neat curve off of his forehead, his large, friendly smile making his eyes squint. He stuck out his hand, and Adam shook it.

"That's me," Adam replied, nodding. "And you are, sir?"

"Sir!" The guy laughed, shaking his hand. "I'm Henry Cheng. I'm a scientist and an engineer for the Pan Pacific Defense Corps, but don't call me sir. We're probably, like, the same age."

Adam blinked at him. A scientist _and_ an engineer for a major military operation? At 25? This kid must've been a genius. A glimpse at the watch on his wrist told Adam that he definitely was a little rich.

"C'mon, I'll show you around."

Henry turned around then, heading back up the stairs. Adam followed, but he was unable to tear his eyes away from the sights in the bay. He had been to the training academy. He had graduated at the top of his class. He had done every simulation in the book, drifted successfully with a hundred computers, but nothing could've prepared him for the real thing. This was unlike anything he could have imagined. He still wasn't sure if he was breathing correctly.

"So, I run all the technical stuff," Henry was explaining. "I'll be, basically, your guy behind the computer. I also do some research on Kaiju and direct the mechanic teams. There's a couple other pilot teams that come in and out of this Shatterdome, but for the most part, other than yours, Gansey and Blue are pretty much the only team that work out of this headquarters exclusively." He gestured to his left as he walked, at a wall made up of just glass panels that looked in on a room with a couple of rows of joint desks and computers. "That's where I'll be when we deploy the jaegers. The big guy over there," he pointed to the larger, scuffed up mech, "That's the Welsh King. Gansey named him, but we usually leave the Welsh part out. I don't even think Gansey's ever been to Whales."

Adam had no idea who Gansey was. "What about the other one?" he asked, as soon as he could get a word in. Henry was talking a mile a minute.

"The other one? That's the Raven. Niall named it after Ronan's tattoo, I think. She hasn't seen the field since he died though. Try not to mention that, when you meet him."

"Meet him?" Adam repeated, barely following. He hadn't gotten very much information when he was deployed to this Shatterdome. He didn't even know who his co-pilot was supposed to be. The point of drifting with a computer in the academy was so that the AI could automatically do all the testing for him. He didn't need to bare his soul to a hundred other students, trying to find a match, all they had to do was wait for the computer to figure it out and give him one. He hadn't met his drift partner before coming, but he thought they'd probably meet today. Maybe that person had already showed up? And who was this Niall guy? Or was it Ronan?

"Hey, Henry!"

"Gansey Boy!" Henry clapped his hands once, slowing to a stop on the walkway. "I was just looking for you!"

Adam looked to see a man in a training jumpsuit, the top half unzipped to reveal a white v-neck undershirt. His hair was light brown, his eyes a perfect blue. Behind him was a much shorter girl, multicolored barrettes holding her curly hair off her tanned forehead.

"This is Adam Parrish, our new recruit," Henry gestured to Adam, then turned to him as he introduced the newcomers. "Adam, this is Richard Campbell Gansey the Third, and Blue."

"Your name is..." Adam wasn't sure if he was following.

"Sargent." The girl said, holding out her hand.

"Sergeant Blue?" Adam repeated unsteadily, unsure if he should shake her hand or salute her. He figured even if she was a sergeant, it'd be more rude to leave her hanging than to accept her offer for a more casual greeting. He settled for a firm handshake, but she just rolled her eyes.

"No, Blue Sargent."

"You can just call me Gansey." The blonde man sounded almost like he was apologizing. He put his hand out and Adam shook it, his eyes drifting from Gansey to Blue next to him. Her hands were on her hips now, looking Adam up and down.

"You went to the academy?" She sked, cocking an eyebrow.

Adam felt like she was sizing him up. "I graduated top of my class."

She regarded him for a moment longer, then nodded. "Good luck."

Henry let him off then, into one of the many doorways lining the catwalk and down a long hallway. He explained what the rooms were - offices, bathrooms, labs - then led him down a separate wing - simulators, training rooms - until he stopped at a pair of open double doors at the end of a corridor. The doorway looked into a large room, a circular mat taking up most of the floor, blocked off with three ropes, like an octogonal boxing ring. Inside the ring, throwing punches like they didn't mean it, were two people. One of them was pale and slight, his white-blonde hair falling over his forehead and his skinny hands balled into fists to protect his face. The other was taller than him by a wide margin, wearing a black tank top stretched over broad shoulders. The shirt did little to cover the black raven tattoo that unfurled over his shoulder blades and up the back of his neck, leading Adam's eye over his buzzed hair. The two of them were laughing with each other, their movements loose and fluid, just pretending to spar.

Henry leaned against the door frame, crossing his arms, his smile ever-present on his face. "Noah, Ronan, our new friend is here."

They both looked towards them at once, and the smaller boy caught Adam's eye first. As he turned his head, revealing his entire face, Adam could see that one side had been completely ruined. It looked sunken and scarred, from just above his eyebrow, almost all the way down to his mouth. He smiled, then, relaxing his stance, and Adam's eyes shifted to the boy with the tattoo. His face was sharper than Adam would've expected, all angles around piercing blue eyes. If he had been laughing before, he surely was not now.

"I'm Adam Parrish," Adam said, since no one else was saying anything.

"I'm Noah Czerny!" The blonde boy ducked out of the ring, heading towards the two of them. The other boy followed him, saying nothing but fixing Adam with a stare that made his skin prickle under it's weight. When he didn't say anything, Henry continued.

"This is Ronan Lynch. This is your drift partner."

Against his better judgement under Ronan's glare, Adam put his hand out politely. "It's good to meet you."

Ronan looked from Adam's face to his hand and back, looking thoroughly unimpressed. He sucked his teeth and bent to pick up a pair of combat boots that had been abandoned outside the ring, then pushed past Adam without saying anything. Noah must have felt bad for him, because he rushed forward and shook his hand instead.

"It's good to meet you, too," he said it apologetically to Adam's shocked expression, looking between him and Ronan's back as he left. "Sorry." Noah quickly followed him out, scooping up his shoes outside the ring and scurrying after him in his socks.

Adam's face burned. He must have looked like such a fool. He cleared his throat awkwardly, rubbing his palms on his pants.

"It seems I have my work cut out for me," he said, if only just to break the silence.

"Yeah, he'll be a tough one..." Henry agreed. "He's been out of commission for almost a year now."

Out of commission? Maybe for an attitude problem. Or insubordination? How did Adam get settled with the hardest egg to crack?

"Well, let me show you to your room," Henry continued, pushing off the door frame. "And I'll let you get settled in."

\--

Adam spent the rest of the afternoon in his room. He didn't have much to unpack, just the contents of his duffle bag, but he didn't really know where else to go either. He wasn't scheduled to start doing jaeger pilot things until tomorrow. So he neatly folded all his clothes, lined his two, worn pairs of shoes up next to his bed, and tucked a book under his pillow. The room was simple, but half occupied already. He guessed the other half was Ronan's, though it seemed like he didn't spend very much time there. The bedspread over the unmade bed was black, thrown this way and that, and there were pictures of himself and what looked like his family stuck to the wall with tape. Adam didn't look too long - it wasn't any of his business - but he couldn't help the pang in his stomach at seeing them. Even a person like Ronan had a family, or at least people in his corner, rooting for him. Whatever. Adam had proven at the academy that he didn't need anyone. He'd carry this team by himself if he had to. He'd done it plenty of times in school.

Around six o'clock, Adam ventured out again to try to find something to eat. It took him longer than he would've liked to admit to find the mess hall that Henry showed him earlier, but eventually he made his way. After fixing himself a tray, he looked around the room, an expanse of tables and heads, and quickly found Ronan's black tattoo stark against his pale skin. Taking a deep breath to steady himself, Adam approached, walking around him to sit across from him at the table. As he sat, Ronan glanced up, his expression changing from surprise to a glare in an instant.

"It's nice to meet you," Adam tried again, even though it wasn't.

"Yeah, a real fucking pleasure," Ronan grumbled, dropping the bread he was holding back onto his tray. "Think I just lost my appetite."

Adam had to take a moment to step back from his annoyance and remind himself why he was here. When his moment was up, he opened his eyes again, and took a breath to speak, but Ronan was already getting up.

"Look, rookie," he spat the words, leaning over the table. Adam noticed a cross on a chain he hadn't seen before dangling from Ronan's neck. "Don't get comfortable."

Adam had no idea what to say to that, and spent all his time that he might have had to reply instead looking for the words as Ronan walked away. He watched him carelessly dump the rest of his rations into the trash and throw the tray into the dish bin on top of the trash can. Maybe the director was throwing Adam at this kid like cannon fodder. Maybe it was a test of strength to see how long he could hold out with this disaster of a partner before he passed and was given someone new. There, that's right, if he could think of it like a test, he could pass it.

"Ouch." Blue's voice rang in his ear now, and he tore his eyes away from Ronan's back to watch Blue and Gansey take the seats across from him. "Playing nice, I imagine?"

Adam gave a defeated sigh, allowing himself to slouch forward over his food. "Yeah, he's a dream."

"He'll be a hard one," Gansey nodded, reaching forward to pat Adam's arm.

"So I keep hearing," Adam groaned, rubbing his face. "Why is he so... like that? I met him earlier and he wouldn't say a single word to me. I held my hand out to shake his hand and he looked at me like _I_ was the rude one and just walked away."

"He's having an especially tough day today." Blue replied, but she sounded like she was making fun of him. Adam allowed himself a chuckle as she continued. "He's a little bit like a toddler. Sometimes, when he doesn't get his way he makes a fuss. He'll be over it in a little bit."

"Ah, and me showing up counts as things not going his way?" Adam asked, although he already knew the answer.

"My friend," Gansey shook his head, picking up his fork and scooping some food onto it. "Things haven't gone Ronan's way in a long time."

\--

Adam ended up hanging out with Gansey and Blue all evening. They showed him the ropes and joked with him, which was a comfort. They were different than he had guessed at first glance. Better, he thought, than their first impression. And they got along great. It made him feel a bit left out, but it was only his first day. There was plenty of time to make friends. As he made his way back to his room in the night, he thought about the day to come. Maybe he'd bond with Ronan during sparring. Or maybe they'd find common ground while doing simulations, or working on the jaeger. He had to remain optimistic. Just because he and Ronan got off on a bad foot didn't mean that they'd never salvage it. He had to salvage it. He refused to go home just because some brat didn't get his way.

He sighed as he opened the door to his room, flicking the light on. As he closed the door, a rustling sound came from the opposite side of the chamber and he barely dodged the boot that came flying through the air, directed straight at his head.

"Turn the fucking light off, it's fucking night time," Ronan growled, as the boot hit the wall behind him, clattering to the floor.

"How was I supposed to know you'd be in here?" Adam snapped back, but he turned the light off anyways. He could see just as well with the pale moonlight filtering in through the window. It seemed, however, like he pushed a button that he should not have, and he immediately regretted the momentary loss of patience.

"Are you kidding me? This is my fucking room. Are you blind?" Ronan was sitting up now, glaring daggers at him.

"I was in here all afternoon and you never showed up." Adam replied. He did his best to keep his tone even, although he already ruined it with his initial response. He stepped over the boot that had been thrown at him and stripped off his shirt, moving towards his dresser to choose a shirt to sleep in. Before he could even pick one, there was a hand on his shoulder, turning him around roughly. Ronan stood over him, having crossed the floor silently in his bare feet. His face was inches from Adam's his intense eyebrows furrowed in the middle in an angry scowl.

"Here's a couple fucking rules, rookie." 

"Adam." Adam corrected him. He graduated at the top of his class. He would not be called a rookie. 

"Whatever," Ronan shoved him roughly into the dresser, stepping closer. His face was so close, Adam could feel Ronan's breath roll over his cheeks. He tried to school his face into a neutral expression despite the rapid beating of his heart. "Rule one: don't try to be buddy buddy with me. Rule two: stay the fuck on your side of the room. Rule three: don't turn the fucking light on while I'm sleeping. Got it?"

Adam did not reply. He didn't trust himself to say anything.

"Good." Ronan pushed off him and Adam watched him get back into bed, facing away from him. When he was sure it was over, Adam pulled on his shirt, changed his pants, and got into bed. He silently coached himself through calming down, until his anger and anxiety were small again, tucked neatly into the back of his brain. He had dealt with people like this before. Never to this degree, but if this was a test, he could pass it.

He could pass it. 

\--

The next morning when Adam woke up, Ronan was already gone. He quietly dressed and got ready for the day, then headed out. His first day as a jaeger pilot, officially. He was going to show them that they hadn't made a mistake by picking him. He was going to prove that he deserved to be here.

He made his way to the mess hall first, eating a quick, light breakfast, before heading to the sparring room that he had met Ronan and Noah in the day before. Blue and Gansey were already there, wrapping their fists and stretching. 

"Adam," Gansey greeted him, a friendly smile on his face. "Good morning!"

"Good morning," Adam nodded at him, then looked between the two of them. "Is it... co-pilot sparring?"

"Yeah, aren't you supposed to be here with Ronan?" Blue asked. "This is supposed to be training for jaeger pilot teams."

"Oh." Adam cocked his head. He was a little embarrassed at his ignorance. "I don't know where he is. He was gone when I woke up."

Gansey and Blue shared a look that Adam couldn't decipher before Gansey spoke up again. "Well, you could train with us until he shows up, if you want to."

"Oh, no," Adam shook his head, holding out his hands politely. "No, you guys go first. I'll just wait for him."

"You sure?" Gansey sked, but Adam was already taking a seat on the floor against the wall.

"Positive." Adam replied. "I'm sure he'll show up."

Gansey looked like he wanted to say something else, but Blue interrupted his thoughts with a tap on the back with wooden staff that she had retrieved from a rack on the wall.

"C'mon, Gansey. Scared you're gonna lose?" she taunted, ducking between the ropes and into the ring. Gansey's expression changed in an instant, a mix between attraction and excitement as he replied.

"Not in a million years." He picked a staff up off the rack for himself and joined her in the ring, and it began. Adam watched them fight, and it was almost like they were dancing. They dodged around each other, twisting and turning and bending as if the whole thing was choreographed. It seemed like an eternity before one of them finally bested the other, Blue using her weight to flip Gansey over her and pin him to the floor with the tip of her staff pointed at his throat. Gansey gave a breathy laugh in defeat.

"Let's go again."

They passed an hour like that, with Adam sitting on the floor, watching Blue and Gansey and their intricate dance. Adam, sitting on the floor, waiting for Ronan. At the end of it, they slipped out of the ring, pausing to put back the staffs and get some water, a thin sheen of sweat on both of them.

"Sorry 'bout your luck," Blue said, but she shrugged as if she knew this was going to happen, or like she wasn't sorry after all.

Adam shook his head. It wasn't her fault. Maybe Ronan just wasn't feeling sparring today. Maybe he would show up to a different appointment later. Maybe he just got lost in this huge maze of a building and was on his way to come apologize to Adam for being such a dick the day before. Okay, that one was unlikely.

"It's alright," he sighed finally, getting to his feet and stretching. His legs were stiff after sitting around on the cold, hard floor for an hour.

The look on Gansey's face was more apologetic than the one on Blue's, but they said their goodbyes and left him there to find his way alone. And alone he was, all day. Ronan didn't show up to the drift simulator, where they were supposed to confirm that they were drift compatible and simulate piloting the jaeger. Instead, Adam practiced opening his mind to a computer and did simulations on his own. Ronan didn't show up after lunch, when he had been scheduled with Adam for Henry to show him around the Raven, the jaeger that they were to pilot together. Instead, Henry showed Adam around by himself, taking him inside the head of the machine where the two of them would, supposedly, pilot her. By the time that was done, Adam had had enough. He was angry that this stuck up brat had decided to dig his heels in before even getting to know him. He was angry that Ronan was compromising his right to be here. He would not stand by and be sent away because some asshole decided Adam wasn't good enough. Adam could prove he was good enough.

After some searching, he found Ronan in a computer lab with Noah. They sat side by side, each at their own computer. Adam couldn't see what the screens were showing, but by their laughter and shouts he could only assume they were competing at something. Were they... playing video games? Was this what Ronan had been doing all day? Was this the important thing that Ronan had skipped all of his responsibilities for?

Adam pushed the door open roughly, and both of their heads popped up, like a couple of mischievous kids that had been caught in a place they weren't supposed to be.

"Oh, Adam!" It sounded like Noah was trying to be friendly, but his eyes flicked between Adam and Ronan, looking a little nervous.

"Is this where you have been all day?" Adam demanded, storming around the desk to see that they had, in fact, been playing video games. The pause menu of a racing game shone brightly on the monitor. Ronan didn't even look sorry.

"I don't see how that's any of your business," he replied, looking up at Adam from his chair.

"You don't- are you kidding me?" Adam was about to boil over. "I waited for you all morning, because we were scheduled to train with Blue and Gansey. I did simulations without you, because you didn't show up. I took a tour of the Raven with Henry, a tough on which you were supposed to come!"

"You don't think I know my own fucking jaeger?" Ronan asked him.

"You were supposed to be there!" Adam pointed an accusatory finger at Ronan, official losing his cool. "And as your partner, I-"

Ronan stood abruptly, his chair rolling away from him. He stood over Adam, a couple inches making all the difference. "You're not my fucking partner."

"What the hell are you talking about? That's why I'm here!" Adam insisted.

"You're not my partner. You're not my co-pilot. Stay out of that fucking jaeger. Go home, rookie. You won't make it here."

Adam was seething. He would make it here. He would not waste years of hard work getting here because Ronan thought he was too good for him.

"I don't know if you've noticed, but you can't pilot it by yourself." Adam pointed out, poking his finger into Ronan's chest now. Ronan pushed him, both palms against his shoulders in retaliation.

"I surely will not be piloting it with the likes of you."

Adam pushed him back, and he could see the lines of Ronan's face get darker. They were standing inches apart, like they had the night before, but under the bright lights in the computer lab, Adam could see Ronan's face more clearly. He could see the bags under Ronan's eyes, the wrinkle between his dark eyebrows where they were furrowed, and the curve of his lips into a snarl. Adam was sure Ronan would hit him then, and he was ready for it, but Noah stood abruptly.

"Hey, Ronan, maybe we should go grab a snack, from the kitchen," he suggested, his voice high and a bit panicky. He was probably trying to get Ronan out of this situation before he did something stupid. Adam felt a twinge of satisfaction. He didn't need anyone to help him back down from a fight. He had learned it the hard way. 

Noah tugged on Ronan's arm, and finally Ronan broke eye contact with Adam. He pulled free from Noah and took a half step to the side, roughly bumping Adam's shoulder as he pushed past him. Adam let him have it, waiting in place until he heard the door shut behind him to release his anger in a single swing at the desk Ronan had been sitting at. He pulled the punch at the last second, so as to not leave a dent, but it helped, just a little. He sat down in Ronan's seat and glared at the pause menu of the game he had left on the monitor. He would not be rendered useless by someone like Ronan Lynch.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’ve never heard of the Lynches?” Gansey asked. Adam’s silence must have been telling.
> 
> “They were superstars, dude,” Henry continued for him, as if prompting Adam to remember something. “Niall and Ronan Lynch? Father son duo? They had the highest kaiju kill score out of any jaeger pilot team, like, ever. Didn’t you go to the academy?”
> 
> “Yeah, I went,” Adam replied. He was honestly dumbfounded. There was no way in hell Ronan was actually a good pilot, not with that attitude.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the boys are Angry(TM)  
> i was originally going to wait a week to update this but i had this all finished so i figured what the hell

Weeks went by, and Ronan did not stop insisting on being a pain in Adam’s ass. He wouldn’t train with him, or do simulations, or even step foot in or around the Raven. Adam worked on her himself, though there wasn’t much to do. Henry said she had fallen into disuse. Adam chalked it up to Ronan not being able to find a partner patient enough to put up with his bullshit. Either way, Adam was determined to make himself useful in other ways. When deciding which one of them to send home, the director would have to choose Ronan. Adam had done everything right. Besides, he couldn’t afford to be sent away. If they decided they didn’t need him, he’d have nowhere to go but home. He’d never get out again.

He was working on the Raven when Henry and Gansey stopped by. He had been busy calibrating the right side of the cockpit to fit him, despite Ronan’s threat to stay out of it.There was no hope of piloting the thing without Ronan’s cooperation anyways. If Ronan even knew he had been in here adjusting things, he’d probably get angry enough to throw a punch. He wondered, briefly, if Ronan throwing the first punch would be proof enough for the director when considering which of them was fit for piloting, and which was not. 

“Hey,” Gansey knocked on the metal frame at the entrance to the cockpit. “How’s it going, Adam? Made any progress with Ronan?”

Adam turned and raised an eyebrow at Gansey as if to say ‘What do you think?’ Gansey nodded solemnly.

“Yeah… It’s just been a couple weeks, I thought I’d stop by and see if you two had built any bridges.” 

“No bridges,” Adam sighed, turning fully towards Gansey and wiping the black oil on his hands off on the legs of his jumpsuit. “I can’t even get him to talk to me without getting angry.”

“You or him?” Gansey asked. “Getting angry, I mean.” 

“Both of us,” Adam admitted. “He makes me so crazy. I don’t understand how a single person can be so self-centered and abrasive. All he does is goof off, but I worked so hard to be here.” Adam paused, looking away from Gansey to the unit in the middle of the cockpit, the computer that connected the pilots in the drift. “I think there might have been a mistake, when they paired us.”

“Honestly, I was surprised you weren’t more excited,” Henry spoke up from his spot beside Gansey, resting an elbow on Ganey’s shoulder. “The Lynches are legends.”

Adam frowned and cocked his head, looking back to them. “What are you talking about?”

Both of them looked just as confused as Adam.

“You’ve never heard of the Lynches?” Gansey asked. Adam’s silence must have been telling.

“They were superstars, dude,” Henry continued for him, as if prompting Adam to remember something. “Niall and Ronan Lynch? Father son duo? They had the highest kaiju kill score out of any jaeger pilot team, like, ever. Didn’t you go to the academy?”

“Yeah, I went,” Adam replied. He was honestly dumbfounded. There was no way in hell Ronan was actually a good pilot, not with that attitude.

“And you haven’t ever heard of them?” Gansey asked again.

“Well, I just…” Adam tried for a satisfactory answer, but came up empty. “I guess the name sounds a little familiar, but I don’t watch a lot of tv…” 

“Yeah, or read the newspaper, or go on the internet, apparently,” Henry scoffed, stepping further into the cockpit. “They were, like, _legends,_ man. The Raven has seen more action than any other jaeger that has come through here.”

“What happened, then?” Adam asked.

Henry’s excitable expression faded as he glanced back at Gansey. It seemed like he was trying to come up with a reply, but the answer to Adam’s question was heavier than he was comfortable giving.

“Niall, Ronan’s dad, was killed. Last year, in a kaiju attack.” Gansey explained, his voice level. Adam clocked the furrow of his eyebrows and the way Gansey’s gaze wandered away from his own. “There was a malfunction with the drift, and they didn’t have backup. He hasn’t really stepped foot in a jaeger since. I think the director must have taken a long time to try to find someone who fit him in the drift. No one went together better than Niall and Ronan.”

Adam was speechless. He didn’t know what to say, his thoughts racing as he tried to figure out how he felt about this new information. Honestly, he felt a little foolish for not knowing it sooner. He had been foolish, he guessed. He should’ve done his research at the start rather than getting angry at the mere thought of Ronan. He had been too emotional about him. This was just work.

But then he realized the gravity of his placement in this Shatterdome, with Ronan Lynch. He was replacing Ronan’s father, a man he had obviously been close with, since they regularly shared a consciousness and risked their lives together. He hadn’t known that he was replacing someone at all. That would have been useful information.

“Ah, so is that why…” Adam began, putting the pieces together. It had been two weeks and Ronan could barely look at him without getting angry. Because Adam was meant to replace his father.

“You’re having such a hard time getting through to him?” Gansey finished for him. “Probably.” 

“We thought you knew,” Henry said. “Everyone who keeps up with jaeger pilots knows.”

“Yeah,” Adam paused, still lost in his thoughts. “Thanks for telling me.”

\--

Adam sat down in the computer lab with a plan. First, he was going to learn everything that the internet had to tell him about Ronan Lynch. Jaeger pilots, especially successful ones, were superstars. They made tv shows about them, they sold action figures, and they showed up on late night talk shows to brag about their current mission or their most recent kill. If Gansey and Henry had been telling the truth, the internet would have a lot to say about Ronan Lynch. 

Of course, he was right. He found articles about Niall and Ronan from before Niall passed, and pictures of the two of them waving from their jaeger, the Raven. He found that Niall had been irish, but Ronan had been brought up in the states. Still, interviews with the two of them from years past told him that Niall had intended to bring his boys up the way he had been brought up in Ireland - home cooked meals and heritage music. His mind wandered to a small wooden celtic cross that he had seen Ronan kick under his bed. He must not have seen it before, because of all Ronan’s dirty clothes on the floor. Adam wrinkled his nose and continued.

The few family photos he could dig up told him that Ronan had a mother and two brothers who still lived in safety on the Atlantic coast. In these photos, it was difficult for Adam to discern Ronan and his father. His brothers had gotten their mother’s traits, her golden hair and kind smile, but Ronan was the spitting image of his father. If he grew his hair out, Adam thought, they’d look like the same person. 

He found that the media loved them. They ate it right up, a father and son duo and a superstar kaiju fighting team. Niall had quite the charismatic personality as well. From the videos he found of the two of them, it seemed that Niall did most of the talking, and Ronan did a lot of sitting there, looking intense, sometimes chiming in for a quick comment. When they were together and an interviewer asked Ronan a question, they often received a short, curt answer from the boy himself, or Niall would answer for him. Adam wondered briefly if it was because Ronan couldn’t be trusted not to curse an interviewer out for looking at him wrong. When he found a video with only Ronan in the thumbnail his curiosity peaked. He clicked on it, if only to see how the Ronan from a few years ago handled the fame on his own.

“How do you feel about today’s victory, Ronan?” a reporter asked him. He was still in his jaeger armor, black composite plates over his chest and broad shoulders. His brow was a bit sweaty but his eyes were shining, brighter than Adam had ever seen them. His lips were pulled tight over his teeth in a grin, showing perfect, sharp canines. He leaned down to speak into the reporter’s bulky microphone, fixing his piercing blue eyes on the camera. Adam felt like he was looking straight at him.

“I love this,” Ronan said, looking so alive. “It’s what I was born to do.” 

Adam paused the video then. He blinked at the Ronan on the screen, so fundamentally different than the one he knew now. Something in his gut twinged slightly. Sorrow? Pity? Adam closed his eyes and took a breath. He would not let himself start to feel sorry for Ronan. His career was at stake. He had seen all he needed to see.

\--

Adam knew that Ronan didn’t like to be in their room while Adam was there, but there wasn’t much they could do to avoid it. They were roommates, after all. They ended up just ignoring each other, pretending the other wasn’t there so they could stay sane. The afternoon after his research session, Adam sat on his bed, quietly reading, when Ronan joined him. He came in like a whirlwind, slamming the door shut behind him and dropping himself onto his bed. Adam stole glances at him over his book as he leaned down to unlace his boots and pull his feet out of them. Finally he settled on his back on the bed, resting his forearm over his eyes.

The day before, Adam had cooked up a plan to try to trick Ronan into liking him. He wasn’t trying to get the man to fall in love with him - that would never happen, and Adam didn’t need it to - he just needed Ronan to like him enough to cooperate. He’d read about it, where if a person reinforces an activity with a positive feeling, the subject will start to associate the positive feeling with the activity. Adam had read a lot about Niall and Ronan, enough to guess that he might have been raised on irish music.

Slowly, as to not raise suspicion, Adam pulled his phone out of his pocket, and pulled up a playlist of irish music he had found on the internet. He adjusted the volume so it wasn’t too loud, and pressed play, then placed the phone face down on his bed and kept reading. A few minutes went by before Ronan said anything.

“Turn that shit off.”

“I like it,” Adam replied coolly, turning the page in his book and not sparing Ronan a glance. Out of the corner of his eye he could see that Ronan had lifted himself up on his elbow, staring at Adam.

“I said turn it off.” Ronan repeated, his voice louder, more intense.

Adam turned his neutral expression onto Ronan, taking him in. He laid there in his black tank top and a pair of work pants, severely unamused.

“I thought you would like it.” Adam knew it was counterintuitive, but he couldn’t resist the urge to taunt him. He raised an eyebrow in the heat of Ronan’s glare. “I heard you were irish.”

Ronan got up then, striding across the room in a few angry steps and snatching Adam’s phone up off the bedspread. He jammed his finger into the pause button and threw it back down onto the mattress. 

“I’m from fucking Virginia.” He bared his teeth when he said it, like a dog about to bite. Adam watched him turn and go back to his side of the room, laying back down facing the wall. Frustrated, Adam closed his book with a quick movement of his hand and pulled on his shoes. 

“Whatever,” he grumbled. He could feel Ronan glaring daggers at him, but he didn’t care. He slammed the door on the way out.

\--

The next day, between training with a dummy and doing simulations with a computer, Adam made a quick run to the kitchens. This plan, he hoped, would fare better than the music did. His goal was to get Ronan to attend meals. After his first day, he never caught Ronan in the mess hall, even if he stayed late or came early. He must be eating, because he hadn’t collapsed yet, but Adam could never catch him doing it.

He found the entrance to the kitchens easily enough, and asked person after person until he was directed to the woman in charge. She was a short, round lady, her sleeves rolled up to her elbows to expose her tattooed forearms. 

“What can I do for you, honey?” She asked.

“Hi, ma’am, I’m Adam,” Adam said reaching out and shaking her hand politely. “Do you know, um, Ronan? Lynch?”

“‘Course I do,” she replied, going back to work once her hand was free. She was chopping potatoes, dropping the finished pieces into a pot of water on the table next to her. “He’s lived here at the Shatterdome for years now. A little rough around the edges, but a great kid.”

Adam agreed to disagree. “Great, well, I was just, um, thinking of doing something nice for him. I hardly ever see him at meals anymore-”

“Oh, he hates sitting in there with all those people,” the woman replied. “He keeps to himself a lot lately. He comes in here all the time to butter me up and get me to give him something to go. I just can’t say no to those baby blues.”

“Well, I was thinking that it might be nice if maybe once a week you could put together some sort of… I don’t know… irish stew? It’s fairly easy on the rations, right? And it might get him to show up for meals.” Adam pulled a folded piece of paper out of his pocket, a recipe that he had found online and jotted down for her. She took it and read it over, considering it for a moment.

“I can try it,” she said finally. “I don’t know if it’ll work. He might just come try to weasel some out of me.” 

Adam smiled at her, hoping he could charm her into cooperating. “Tell him he has to eat it with everyone else. It’ll be good for him to get back out there. You can do that, right?”

She smiled back, reaching forward to squeeze his arm. “I can certainly try.” she said, and it was done.

After that, Ronan began to show up at meals, a couple times a week, when the plump woman in the kitchen dished out soda bread and irish stew. It wasn’t half bad, either, if Adam was being honest. It wasn’t a huge victory - Ronan still sat alone or with Noah, a few tables away from Adam’s spot with Blue and Gansey - but it was something. From stolen glances over Gansey’s shoulder, he could tell that Ronan liked it. He watched him joke and smile with Noah, snatching Noah’s bread off his tray before he could take a bite and holding it over his head so Noah couldn’t reach. Adam sighed, and he found himself hoping it was somewhat of a comfort for him. Maybe a bit of comfort food would help him down off his high horse just long enough for the two of them to have a conversation that didn’t end in yelling.

After a fulfilling meal of irish stew and soda bread, Adam sat in his room alone, reading his book. It had been three weeks now since he came, and he still hadn’t gotten Ronan to so much as look at him without narrowing his eyes. He should have been focused on the words on the page, but instead he was thinking about how the hell he was going to get Ronan in a jaeger with him. He dropped his book onto his lap, lost in his own head.

He was done if he didn’t get Ronan to cooperate. He couldn’t count on the director not to send him away, now that he knew Ronan’s history. He was a legend, an experienced player in all of this, and Adam was a nobody. He couldn’t count on the director to see his side of things, so he had to get Ronan to play along. What was in store for him if he couldn’t do that? At best, he would be transferred to a new Shatterdome, to be paired up with another stranger he’d have to work to get to know. He graduated at the top of his class. He was valuable, he told himself, they wouldn’t just get rid of him. 

At the very worst, they’d kick him out. Out of the Shatterdome, out of the Jaeger Program, out of the Pan Pacific Defense Corps. He’d have to find his way back home, to that shitty, tiny apartment and a father with a short fuse and a drinking habit. His heart sped up at the thought of it, and he closed his eyes tightly, trying to expel the thought from his head.

No. He would not let that happen. He would prove his worth. He would make Ronan cooperate. He had no other choice.

Ronan entered then, his boots heavy on the floor, slamming the door shut behind him. Adam flinched hard. It seemed Ronan slammed everything he could get his hands on. He strode over to his dresser, not saying a word, and pulled the drawer open roughly, pushing his clothes aside until he found the shirt he wanted. Adam watched him change, dazed by his sudden arrival, although his eyes caught on the tattoo he could see now, in all its glory. It was a flock of ravens, taking off from a point in between his shoulder blades, and spreading out over his shoulders and up the back of his neck. Before Adam could really take it all in, Ronan pulled his other shirt on, having thrown the first one amongst his dirty clothes on his floor. He whipped his head around then, narrowing his eyes at Adam.

“What the hell are you looking at?” he asked, quite rudely.

Without thinking, Adam asked, “Can’t you just try?”

“Try what?” Ronan demanded, pushing his drawer shut loudly. Adam didn’t flinch at this one, but he did wonder briefly how everything on Ronan’s side of the room wasn’t broken with the way he handled his things.

“Try this.” Adam gestured between the two of them. “I have worked too long and hard to lose this chance because you have decided I’m not good enough for you.”

“You’re not good enough.” Ronan scoffed, turning to look at him now. Adam stood, his anger flaring up again.

“I was unbeatable in the academy. I know everything there is to know about those machines, and the monsters we fight. I am good enough. I am better than you.” After the words had tumbled out of his mouth, Adam knew that maybe he had gone too far. He watched the expression on Ronan’s face darken yet again, but there was no going back now. He took a bold step towards Ronan. “At the very least, I’m willing to try.”

“Willing to try?” Ronan repeated. Adam could see his anger bubbling over in the way his shoulders tensed in his tight t-shirt. “You’re willing to try, are you? That’s fucking rich. I guess I should thank you, huh?”

“What is your problem?” Adam scowled at him. 

Ronan closed the distance between them. Looking up at Ronan’s face inches from his was becoming way too familiar. 

“You’re my problem, Parrish.” It was the first time Ronan had said his name, but he spat it like it was a curse. “You come in here, thinking you can change shit, but you can’t. Just leave me the fuck alone.”

“I will not be sent home because you can’t get your act together, Lynch.” Adam spat Ronan’s name right back at him.

“I hope they send you home.” Ronan growled, pushing him back. “I hope they send me home too. I can’t stand it here anymore.” 

“I can’t believe you!” Adam raised his voice, gesturing wildly, his temper long lost. “I can’t believe I got stuck with the most damaged piece of shit in this entire place!”

Ronan shoved him again, so hard he stumbled and his back hit the cold wall. Ronan followed him, backing him up until his chest was half an inch from Adam’s. He curled his lip back and Adam could see those perfectly sharp canines. He thought briefly about the distance between this boy and the boy from the video he found. 

“Say one more fucking thing, Parrish, and it’ll be the last thing you do. Got it?”

Adam pulled his eyes away from Ronan’s mouth to meet his gaze. He shoved Ronan away from him, but didn’t say anything, instead opting to go back to his bed. He snatched his book up, opening it to the page he had abandoned when he got lost in his thoughts earlier, but he was too angry to read. He stared at the pages, Ronan’s face in his head, Ronan’s voice in his ears. Ronan’s stupid fucking threats. Fucking Ronan Lynch. 

He tried to concentrate on the page. He already knew that nothing good could come out of being angry. He couldn’t solve problems like this. Just as he was starting to regain his cool, the lights flicked out. He looked up and Ronan stood by the door, his hand over the switch.

“Oops,” he said. “Sorry.” 

He wasn’t.

Adam could have screamed, but he swallowed it, settled for a glare, and tucked his book back under his pillow. Fine. He could sleep. He’d show Ronan that he wasn’t bothered. He laid down with his back to Ronan, and did his best to calm down.

Hours went by and nothing worked. The more he thought, the more he led himself in a circle, feeling angry at his powerlessness. He couldn’t leave, because he couldn’t go home. But he couldn’t get Ronan to cooperate. If he couldn’t get Ronan to cooperate, he’d get kicked out. But that wasn’t an option. Round and round he went, staring up at the ceiling in the dark. He was so frustrated. All the hard work was supposed to be done at the academy. Why did he have to be the one settled with Ronan Fucking Lynch?

A murmur from the other side of the room caught his attention. He scowled, wondering what problem Ronan Lynch could possibly have with him now, in the middle of the night. A rustle came next, and a simple word uttered into a pillow.

“No.”

Adam turned his head. It was hard to make out Ronan’s figure in the night, but the contrast of his pale skin against his dark sheets helped. He was tossing and turning now, caught in the throes of a dream. His fingers twitched, his head turning this way and that, and he spoke again, this time a little louder.

“No, Dad.”

Adam watched from his bed as the dream intensified. Ronan’s breaths came in shallow gasps and short sobs. He looked smaller now than Adam had ever seen him, more helpless than he could have imagined Ronan Lynch to be. With a final gasp he awoke, sitting up sharply and catching his breath. Adam watched him drop his head into his hands, then run his fingers over his hair until they caught each other over the back of his neck. He sat there for a moment, uttering a quiet ‘fuck’ before swinging his legs off the bed and standing. Without another word he padded across the room in his bare feet opened the door to the hallway, and slipped out of it. Adam turned his head to look at the clock on his bedside table. 

Just past two in the morning. 

He tried to stay awake until Ronan came back, but his fatigue overtook his curiosity and he fell asleep staring at Ronan’s empty bed.

\--

For the next couple nights, Adam started staying up to catch Ronan’s nightmares. He’d pretend to go to sleep at his normal time, but instead he’d lay awake until two or three in the morning when Ronan shook himself awake from his dreams. Surely enough, it happened almost every night. Every time, he would sit up abruptly, rub his face, curse quietly, and leave the room. Adam never considered himself the overly curious sort, but this mystery overtook his mind. For four days, he could think about nothing else. He thought about it during training, and it distracted him during simulations. He needed to know where Ronan went. So, he decided to follow him.

Like clockwork, Ronan gasped awake around two and got out of bed, leaving the room without his shoes. Adam waited a couple minutes before following him, peeking out the door first to make sure he wasn’t right outside. He just barely caught a glimpse of Ronan’s tattoo as he made a right at the end of the hallway. Adam followed, silent in his bare feet, and trailed him through the night all the way to the sparring room. He watched, as Ronan set up a training dummy as if he had done it a thousand times before and the act profoundly exhausted him. His heavy sighs carried out into the hallway where Adam hid. He started fighting then, grunting loudly as he landed punches on the dummy, ducking and weaving away from the swinging parts came around to hit him. Adam watched as they swung around and caught him in the face, and Ronan stumbled away, cursing. 

How exhausted did he have to be to lose to a dummy? How long had he been doing this? Since Niall’s death? 

Adam left before he could be spotted.

Against his better judgement, tailing Ronan to the sparring room became a nightly occurrence. Some nights he stood and watched Ronan’s sleep deprived brain try to best a training dummy, and some nights he would just sit down on the mat in the ring, his back against one of the posts that held the ropes up, and do nothing. Usually after an hour at most of watching Ronan wrestle with his thoughts, Adam turned and went back to bed.

About a week after Adam had started tailing him, he grew too bold. He had followed Ronan from their room in the middle of the night, like usual, and watched from the hallway as he set up the dummy in the ring. Ronan fought it until his breaths came in ragged gasps and a thin sheen of sweat covered his shoulders and neck. Adam thought he could hear Ronan saying something between his gasps and curses. Just a little closer, he thought, and he’d be able to hear him better. He inched up until he was standing in the doorway, leaning in. In that moment, the arm of the dummy swung around, clocking Ronan square across the jaw, and Ronan fell. He cursed loudly, slamming his fist into the mat, and when he looked up, he met Adam’s gaze. Adam felt the anxious clench of his stomach, having been caught doing something he should not have been doing.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Ronan growled. It didn’t take anything to make him angry. He was already there. “What the hell are you looking at?” He got to his feet, ducking between the ropes to get out of the ring and advancing quickly towards Adam.

“I just came to see-” Adam began, but he was cut off by Ronan’s fist, aimed at his face. He ducked out of the way, dodging around Ronan and backing into the room. “Lynch.” Adam said, holding his hands out. “Calm down.”

“Fuck you.” Ronan chased him and threw another punch, which Adam dodged again. This was the first time he had fought Ronan, and he took a moment to sit back and assess him. Ronan’s fists were up like a boxer, but his stance was messy. If he really had been a legend with his father, he was either very out of practice, very sleep deprived, or both. 

“Fuck!” Ronan cursed again. He threw his entire weight into a punch that Adam sidestepped, and went stumbling past him. He recovered quickly and shoved Adam back into the ropes surrounding the ring. Adam ducked through them, if only to put an obstacle between them, but Ronan followed. Adam put his fists up too now, making a wide circle with Ronan. He noted the way Ronan’s steps were uneven, his ragged breath heaving his shoulders. He looked so tired.

“Is this what you wanted?” Ronan gave a breathy laugh, but there was no humor in it. “You wanted me at training?” He threw a punch that Adam ducked under, and Adam landed a right hook square on Ronan’s ribs. Ronan grunted, throwing up his fists again. Adam took the first swing this time, but Ronan sidestepped it, grabbing Adam’s wrist and using his momentum to swing him around into the training dummy that Ronan had left in the ring. The arm of it struck Adam between the shoulder blades, not quite knocking the wind out of him, but definitely dazing him. He ducked under Ronan’s next punch, but his fist connected with the arm of the dummy instead, swinging it around so that it clocked Adam in his deaf ear hard when he came back up. Disoriented, he stumbled away from the dummy. He shook his head and blinked his eyes, throwing his guard back up and focusing on Ronan again.

“Is this what you wanted?” Ronan repeated harshly, but it seemed to Adam like being angry was taking all he had left in him. Adam almost felt bad, but he hated the taunting. He threw his fist forward for a jab that clocked Ronan in the nose. Ronan stumbled backwards and Adam used that opportunity to rush him. He got up close, pushing Ronan back against the opposite side of the ring, landing punch after punch to Ronan’s midsection. He could hear Ronan’s grunts of pain in his ear, his ragged breathing. Ronan pushed Adam off him, and Adam took a couple steps back, taking in his opponent again. Ronan’s nose was bleeding, smearing red over his lips, but he looked like he didn’t care. He rushed Adam this time, and Adam held up his guard, blocking until the force of Ronan’s attack left a hole, and he caught Ronan’s fist so hard in the mouth that he felt his lip split open. He staggered to the side, stunned, and Ronan lifted up a leg to kick him hard in the ribs. Adam lost his balance and fell, just barely rolling out of the way as Ronan aimed a second kick down onto Adam’s body. Breathing hard, Adam pivoted himself into a kneeling position as Ronan rushed toward him. At just the right moment, with Ronan over him, lifted himself into Ronan’s center of gravity, and flipped him onto his back on the mat behind him. Quickly and efficiently, just like he had in school, he twisted himself on top of Ronan to pin him. When he was done, his hips rested on Ronan’s, his legs holding Ronan’s thighs to the mat, and his hands pining both of Ronan’s wrists beside his head. 

They stayed there like that for a moment, both of their chests heaving, Adam tasting blood in his mouth and watching the way Ronan’s blood stained his lips. Slowly, he watched all of the fight drain out of Ronan’s body, until he looked neither like the scared little boy Adam saw having the nightmare, nor the boy Adam had seen in the video. He just looked exhausted. He closed his eyes beneath Adam, swallowing dryly, then sighing in defeat.

“Fine. You win.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed this !! i'll probably try to update this like once a week, maybe more often if i'm feeling saucy


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _HAS-BEEN JAEGER PILOT TEAMS UP WITH ROOKIE AFTER THE DEATH OF HIS FATHER._
> 
> _Word has it that Ronan Lynch, son of the late Niall Lynch and one half of the legendary jaeger piloting duo, has picked up his duties once again after a year in hiding following the death of his father. He has teamed up with no-name rookie Adam Parrish, a recent graduate-_
> 
> That was all Adam needed to read. He looked up at Henry as he handed him back his phone. 
> 
> “Is this good or bad?”
> 
> “Depends on who you ask,” Henry replied, tucking the device back in his pocket. “But this place is going to be crawling with reporters by tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i keep changing the tags on this fic i had it all planned out but this chapter kinda went in a different direction than i anticipated. heads up for some mild sexual harrassment in this chapter

“I win?” Adam blinked down at Ronan, letting go of his wrists and sitting back. 

“You deaf?” Ronan looked annoyed, raising an eyebrow at him and propping himself up on his elbows. Adam felt a pinch of bitterness in the bottom of his stomach. He wanted to reply _‘yes’_ , if only just to spite him. He thought Ronan Lynch could use a bit of humility. Before he could, he realized the position they were sitting in, with Adam straddling Ronan, his hands resting on Ronan’s stomach. Heat rose in his face as he got up, touching his fingers to his busted lip as he turned away.

“You’re bleeding,” Adam said, by way of changing the subject.

“You too.” Behind him, Ronan slowly got to his feet. “And you didn’t break it, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

Adam might have felt even more flushed at the insinuation that he just may be worried about Ronan’s well being. He shook his head.

“I wasn’t.” He turned a bit to look at Ronan, who was pinching his nose shut and using his black tank top to wipe up the blood off his face. Adam watched it smear across his skin and sighed. Ronan’s icy stare flicked to him when he heard it.

“What?” 

“That’s gross.” Adam answered. “And you’re just making it worse.”

“Well, what do _you_ think I should do, golden boy?” 

Adam rolled his eyes. “There’s a bathroom literally right down the hall.” 

When Ronan didn’t reply, Adam ducked through the ropes around the ring and headed for the door. To his surprise, he could hear Ronan’s footsteps following him, a steady sound behind him all the way back to their own room. Once inside, Adam moved towards his bed, but Ronan passed him and went into their shared bathroom. He flicked the light on but kept the door cracked, shining a beam of yellow light across the floor. Adam watched the door for a moment, listening to Ronan’s curses and shuffling around before he stepped forward and pushed it open. 

“Watch it, Parrish.”

In the mirror Adam could see Ronan on the floor on the other side of the door, shuffling through the cabinet. He peeked around the door, looking down at Ronan where he knelt. From this angle, Adam could only see Ronan’s shoulders and the back of his shaved head, his tattoo on full display. 

“What are you looking for?” Adam asked, presuming he was looking for something to stop the bleeding of his nose. “Just use the toilet paper.”

Ronan stood up then, and Adam saw that he had rolled up a wad of tissues and shoved it up his nose. He almost laughed at how ridiculous it looked. Without looking at him, Ronan held out a small butterfly bandage.

“For your lip.”

“Oh.” Adam took it, then looked at himself in the mirror. His dusty blonde hair was messed up from the fight and the pillow before that and the split in his lip looked worse than he expected. He leaned over the sink to rinse the blood off, dry it, and place the bandage over his skin to keep the cut closed. When he was done, he caught Ronan’s eyes in the mirror, an expression on his face that he didn’t recognize. Had he been watching that intently the whole time? He cleared his throat awkwardly as he straightened up.

“Well, goodnight.” He stepped out of the bathroom, rubbing his palms on his pant legs. “Change your shirt before you go to bed.”

Ronan followed him out, flicking off the light in the bathroom, then uttered a quiet _‘I do what I want’_ before falling back onto his mattress.

\--

Honestly, Adam hadn’t known what to expect the next morning. When he looked over to Ronan’s bed, the man in question was still asleep, wearing his bloody tank top with his face squished into his pillow. Adam got up and dressed quietly, slipping out of the room and closing the door softly behind him. He’d seen the bags under Ronan’s eyes. If he had to guess, he’d say Ronan had been having nightmares just about every night since his father died. He knew Ronan could use the rest. But about twenty minutes into their regularly scheduled training in the sparring room, the unexpected happened. Ronan strode in with the confidence of someone who had been coming consistently every day since before Adam arrived. Gansey stopped in his sparring to watch him enter and put his things down next to Adam’s shoes and water bottle. Blue took advantage of the moment and used it to knock him over and pin him to the mat.

“Ow,” Gansey complained, looking back at her.

“Focus,” she smiled teasingly and let him up, and immediately they were back at it.

Adam had been fighting with a dummy in the corner, which had become a fairly common practice for someone whose partner never showed up. Now that he knew Ronan was a boxer, he had been trying to match his fighting style to Ronan’s. He had tried out this style of fighting in the academy, but it was never his best. He didn’t even realize Ronan had come in until he heard his gruff voice from over his shoulder.

“Keep your fists up.” 

Adam turned then, meeting Ronan’s gaze. He must have looked surprised, because Ronan rolled his eyes. Behind him, he could see the speed of Gansey and Blue’s sparring slowing down. He’d watched them often enough to know that they weren’t training anymore, they were eavesdropping.

“Sorry I’m late,” he said, then cocked his head. “You kinda suck at that.”

Adam frowned, facing the dummy, but correcting his stance like Ronan had suggested. “I’m not that bad,” he grumbled, throwing a jab at the dummy. “I beat you last night.”

Blue snorted loudly at that, and Gansey shushed her immediately. He didn’t know why, but it made his face feel hot.

“Beginners luck,” Ronan answered. Adam wasn’t looking at him, but he could feel the warmth of his body close. At least this time Ronan wasn’t threatening him. 

For the first time in the month that Adam had been stationed there, Ronan trained with him, giving him pointers on his form. When they were done, he pulled on his shoes and drank his water and followed Adam silently to the simulators. And after that, to the jaeger. He didn’t talk very much, opting instead for meaningful looks and, if Adam was lucky, a short comment. Adam felt cautious, like he was walking on eggshells to keep Ronan from deciding he didn’t actually want to be there.

This was a side of Ronan he had never seen. Honestly, he had no idea what to make of him yet, and it made him nervous. 

He watched closely as Ronan entered the jaeger, examining him for any sign of the sides of Ronan he recognized - anything that might help him figure the present version of him out - but Ronan gave little indication of anything. He kept his face guarded, stopping at the doorway and looking around briefly before stepping inside. He ran his hands over the walls, looking as if he was lost in his memories, but Adam couldn’t tell if they were good or bad. Adam parted his lips a little, trying to figure out how to ask him if he was okay with piloting on the left side. Before he could speak, Ronan spotted the adjustments he’d made on his side of the cockpit.

“You changed it?” He asked. Adam watched his eyebrows furrow in the middle, tilting themselves just a fraction towards his hairline. He was trying so hard to keep his voice steady, but Adam could hear the tiniest of quivers in it.

“I had to,” Adam answered. He watched Ronan carefully, letting out a breath that he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. He didn’t want to say too much or push Ronan too far and have him running again. He had made so much progress. He needed Ronan to cooperate with him.

Ronan didn’t reply, just closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He turned and left the cockpit, opting to do work on the outside of the Raven instead.

When it came time to break for lunch, Ronan surprised Adam again. Adam had left without him, not expecting him to come to the meal when he usually found a way to eat by himself. He had been sitting with Blue and Gansey, chatting about a book they had read, when Ronan sat down next to him. He stunned the table into silence, fixing Gansey with a glare so cold it made him swallow his friendly greeting. Blue could scarcely keep her eyes off of him for the strangeness of Ronan Lynch gracing them with his presence. She let out a nervous chuckle and continued with what she had been talking about before, dragging her eyes away from Ronan to fix them on Adam again instead.

“So, anyways,” she went on, staring at Adam like she was trying her best not to look anywhere else. “I read that one, and it’s really good. I gave it to Gansey, but he already knows how it ends.”

“Yeah,” Gansey nodded, dunking his spoon in his soup, pointedly fixing his eyes on his tray in an effort to keep them from roaming towards Ronan. 

“So,” Blue said again, “I’ll lend you the first volume, if you promise to give it back.”

“Yeah,” Adam agreed, feeling a little bit of something warming his chest. Was it satisfaction? Victory? He was making progress. He gave Blue a genuine smile. “I’d really like that.”

\--

Ronan began to make a daily habit of showing up to training, teaching Adam how to box, and working with him on the jaeger. He showed up to meal times, sometimes sitting in silence and sometimes talking and laughing when Noah came and sat with them. It was strange for Adam to see Ronan smile up close. He had seen it on the computer, when he had done his research about Ronan and his family, but never in person. He hated to admit that there was something charming about it. He had to remind himself that this was work, and his position on Ronan’s good side was fragile. Ronan could go back to being the partner from hell any minute, and Adam still wouldn’t know how to get this version of him back. For now, he gave Ronan his space. They didn’t talk much, but they didn’t need to. He didn’t need Ronan to love him, all he needed was for Ronan to play along.

Inevitably, word got around to the tabloids and news outlets that the Lynch boy had thrown his hat back in the ring. Adam felt a bit of satisfaction at that too, having been the one to finally get him to give in. It wasn’t that he wanted Ronan’s fame - he wasn’t that kind of person - it was that he had been patient, worked hard and achieved his goal. Success felt good when you came from nothing. It was addicting.

It took only a week for an article to come out about the two of them. He had been with Henry in the jaeger when Henry pulled it up on his phone.

_HAS-BEEN JAEGER PILOT TEAMS UP WITH ROOKIE AFTER THE DEATH OF HIS FATHER._

_Word has it that Ronan Lynch, son of the late Niall Lynch and one half of the legendary jaeger piloting duo, has picked up his duties once again after a year in hiding following the death of his father. He has teamed up with no-name rookie Adam Parrish, a recent graduate-_

That was all Adam needed to read. He looked up at Henry as he handed him back his phone. 

“Is this good or bad?”

“Depends on who you ask,” Henry replied, tucking the device back in his pocket. “But this place is going to be crawling with reporters by tomorrow.” He looked pensive for a moment, then spoke again. “If anything bad happens with Ronan in front of a reporter, it won’t be good for you. The director will probably be upset.”

Adam frowned but gave him a nod. “Thanks for the heads up, Henry.” 

The next morning, however, when Adam stepped out onto the catwalk above the Raven, there was only one man he didn’t recognize. People milled about, doing their regular morning duties, leaving the unknown man in the middle of the floor with a pen and a notepad and an expectant look on his face. When he caught Adam’s eye, he smiled and called out. 

“You must be the famous Adam Parrish!” 

He was either chatting him up or he was challenging him, but Adam couldn’t place it. Cautious, he went down the stairs to meet him, taking in his slicked back hair, and the gold chain around his neck under his professional button up shirt. The man held a hand out for him to shake, his sleeves rolled up his forearms.

“I’m Joseph,” he said, smiling wide, but it made him look a little bit like a predator bearing his teeth. “But all my friends just call me Kavinsky.”

“Adam Parrish.” Adam replied, shaking his hand. Kavinsky seemed to look him up and down, then drew his gaze past Adam to look at the Raven.

“Wow,” he said, tapping his pen on his pad. “She looks a lot better than she did this time last year.”

Adam followed his eyes, looking up at the Raven and nodding, keeping his tone impartial. “Yeah, we’ve done a lot of work on her.”

“Well, let's give credit where credit’s due,” Kavinsky’s gaze returned to Adam, looking like a hungry wolf. “You’ve only been here for about a month, if my sources are correct. With her in the state she’s in now, and knowing the way she looked this time last year, you must be superman if you did all that work. So I’m thinking that’s not likely. And with one half of the team missing, I can’t imagine the director of this dump was willing to throw any manpower at it.” 

Adam stared at him, trying to keep the shock off his face.

“Well, I’m here for work, I can’t just goof off, can I?” Kavinsky continued. “Let’s talk about you. Where are you from, Adam Parrish?”

“Henrietta.” Adam replied simply, watching Kavinsky’s bored expression as he wrote it down.

“Any family?” He asked dully.

Adam thought of his father, then replied, “No.”

Kavinsky raised an eyebrow at him over his notepad. “You an orphan?”

“Something like that.” Adam guarded his expression. He didn’t like where this was going.

“Ooh,” Kavinsky sounded fake impressed, then chuckled at himself. “Orphan boy makes it to the top of his class at the academy, with a full scholarship at that. How did you do it?”

“Hard work.”

“I mean, who did you suck off?”

Adam gritted his teeth. Kavinsky’s grin only widened.

“I’m sure.” Kavinsky jotted something else down. “I’m sure it was real hard. Is hard work why you haven’t drifted with Ronan yet?” He fixed Adam with a look that said he had all the answers to all the questions Adam didn’t want to be asked. Adam narrowed his eyes and Kavinsky began to laugh at him.

“What, you think this place is airtight? People talk.” He spoke to Adam like he was naive, like he didn’t know anything. Adam was doing his very best not to get angry. “You know, I bet Ronan hasn’t drifted with anyone since the death of his father,” he went on, starting to climb the stairs. “I guess we could always go ask him.”

“Sir,” Adam began to follow him. “Visitors aren’t permitted-”

“-Without a chaperone, blah, blah blah.” Kavinsky waved his hand as he went. “You’re coming with me anyways.”

Adam chased Kavinsky all the way to the top, watching him as he stepped into the cockpit of the Raven. This guy was really testing his patience. He followed him in, and found him standing in what would be Ronan’s spot, if Ronan ever drifted with him. If Ronan ever stepped foot into the cockpit at all. 

Kavinsky looked like a bratty child on the playground, pretending he was actually piloting the jaeger. When he realized Adam had followed him in, he turned towards him, grinning. 

“So what’s it like being Lynch’s partner? You haven’t drifted with him yet and it’s been a little over a month, so what’s going on? Is he holding out on you, Parrish? You must be frustrated. Any pent up anger you wanna let out to your dear friend Kavinsky?”

Adam took a moment to take a breath, calm his anger just a little before he dignified that with a response. “You’re definitely not allowed in here.” He stepped inside, doing his best to remain civil. He reached out a hand politely. “Watch your step on your way out, you could-”

Kavinsky grabbed his wrist and pulled him in, wrapping an arm around his waist and holding him against his body. Adam felt his lips brush just barely against his deaf ear. If there had been any other noise, he wouldn’t have been able to hear the words he spoke.

“C’mon, Parrish, you can trust me.”

Adam pushed him away roughly, sending him stumbling back a few steps. Kavinsky laughed, like this was a game to him. Adam opened his mouth to speak again, but his words died in his throat when he caught Kavinsky’s eyes flick towards the doorway. His wolfish grin only grew bigger.

“Ronan Lynch!” He exclaimed. “So you’ve decided to grace us with your presence!” He took a dramatic bow, holding his notepad out to one side. Adam turned to see Ronan glaring daggers at him.

“K,” was all he said, spoken through his teeth.

“I was just asking your co-pilot here,” Kavinsky continued, “Why is it that you haven’t done much co-piloting as of late? I mean, at all, really, in the whole last year since daddy died. Trouble in paradise?”

Ronan looked like he was about to pounce. Adam couldn’t blame him. Kavinsky grinned, reveling in the discomfort he brought them. They stood there for a long while, each one holding out for the other to do something, until Ronan broke the silence.

“Parrish,” he said gruffly, nodding down the catwalk. “Let’s suit up.” He turned and started walking away, leaving Adam to look between the doorway and Kavinsky, his jaw dropped. He rushed out after Ronan, trying to catch up with him. 

“Suit up?” He asked. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“They think I can’t do it. They all do. Fuck that.”

Adam tried to find a coherent argument that would convince Ronan that this was a terrible idea, but he was too far gone. Henry walked towards them, headed the opposite direction with his nose buried in his tablet when Ronan bumped his shoulder roughly. He startled and looked up, meeting Adam’s eyes.

“Think we’re gonna drift,” was all the explanation Adam could give him on his way past. He watched Henry’s eyes travel past him towards the Raven, his expression blanching when he spotted Kavinsky by the doorway to the cockpit. He didn’t have time to say anything else.

“Lynch,” Adam said as they entered the locker room, watching Ronan open a locker door with all the force of a tornado blowing down a shed. “This is a bad idea.”

“You don’t think I can do it either, do you?” Ronan snarled.

“No, it’s not that, I just think that that guy pissed you off, and you’re not thinking.” Adam explained.

“You’re pissing me off!” Ronan raised his voice, throwing a chest plate at Adam, who caught it, staring at him. “Now suit up,” he growled. “I’m not asking again.” 

So, Adam dressed. He didn’t know what else to do. He didn’t know how to make Ronan back down from this challenge without insulting his ability. He was so new at this, he had no idea how to talk him down. He followed Ronan back out onto the jaeger, wearing his helmet now. Henry’s voice rang in his ear as they entered the Raven, the door sliding shut behind them. 

“Alright, guys,” he said, his voice careful. “Let’s just take it slow at first, okay?”

Adam stepped into the footholds on the right side of the cockpit, glancing over at Ronan. His face was unreadable now. Adam took a deep breath in, looking forward at the screen in front of them and doing his best to clear his mind. He was practiced at this, taking his inhibitions and tucking them away, pretending he was calm until he actually was. The screen blinked to life and Adam watched the system running diagnostics. 

“She’s a little rusty-” Henry began. 

Ronan quickly cut him off. “She’ll be fine.” To Adam’s left, he was adjusting things on his side as the jaeger closed around his feet and unfolded on either side of his torso. Adam flipped a couple switches on his side, steadying his breath.

“Adam,” Henry said. “I’m going to start the connection. Just ease into it, guys.” 

“We’ve got it,” Ronan said shortly. 

“Don’t fuck it up,” said Kavinsky’s voice over their intercom. Adam watched Ronan’s jaw clench.

“Okay,” Henry again. “Connecting now.” 

Adam closed his eyes, clearing his mind. He had never connected with another person before, just lots of computers. In the academy, the drift simulations gave him all kinds of fake partners of different difficulties and compatibilities. He saw every kind of faux memory available to him by the best AIs science could make. This was so fundamentally different.

The scenes came in flashes. Adam saw a woman he knew to be his mother with long golden hair and beautiful blue eyes. As he felt her gentle touch on his cheek, he recognized her as the woman on Ronan’s wall. That vision flashed away and her clear blue eyes became his mother’s muddled ones, glassy with tears over his father’s shoulder. The anxiety of his father’s coming blow welled up in him as he watched his father raise an angry hand, but he didn’t hold onto it, and the memory changed once again. His father’s hand was suddenly wrapped in a boxing glove. He felt the sting of the blow connecting with his cheek, feeling Ronan’s anger and competitiveness boil over as he heard Niall’s voice say, _‘Hands up, boy!’_. Scene after scene, memory after memory, his and Ronan’s lives played before his eyes. He saw Ronan’s brothers, felt his love and admiration, then he relived snippets of his grueling days of work and school, feeling the exhaustion sink in. Although it felt like a year trapped in his and Ronan’s memories, it happened in only a moment.

Suddenly he was inside the jaeger again. The vision continued to come in flashes, but this time it was more consistent. He knew that it was raining outside. He saw Niall Lynch to his right. There was a sharp, tearing pain in his left arm. Grief and dread filled him, overflowing. He heard Henry’s voice in his ear, but at first he could barely register it. Slowly, as he dropped out of the connection, it got louder.

“Ronan, Adam, can you hear me? I’m pulling you out!” 

Adam blinked harshly. In front of him he could see the monitor of the Raven, shutting down. He freed himself from her restraints as he looked over at Ronan, who was tugging hard as the machine let him go. As soon as he could, he fell to his knees, hands bracing himself on the ground, his chest heaving. 

“Lynch,” Adam said, stepping towards him. Ronan tore his helmet off and threw it carelessly aside, gasping for breath. When Adam reached out to touch him, he flinched away. Panic rolled off Ronan in waves, making Adam’s stomach tie itself in knots.

“Look at me,” he tried again, taking another step.

Ronan swatted his hand away, looking up at him from his crumpled position on the floor. “Don’t-” he gasped.

Adam reached for him again. He didn’t know what had come over him. He wished he could take this away. The look in Ronan’s eyes reminded him of himself when he was younger. No one had helped him then. 

“Ronan,” he said softly.

“Don’t fucking touch me, Parrish.” Adam could tell Ronan was trying to sound intimidating, but he could see the sweat on Ronan’s brow, the trembling of his hands, he could hear the unsteadiness of his voice. Adam watched him get up shakily and stumble out of the cockpit. Hollowly, he stepped towards the doorway, but his attention was stolen away from Ronan by the echo of slow clapping reverberating off the walls of the bay. He turned his head to see Kavinsky, with his notepad tucked under his arm, his sleazy smile stretched across his face.

“Bravo, orphan boy,” He said. “Bravo.”

\--

Ronan didn’t come to dinner that night, and he wasn’t in his bed when the morning light filtered into their room through the window. Adam trained alone again, but he couldn’t focus. He couldn’t stop thinking about Ronan and his reaction after the failed drift. What it meant for Ronan to be in the Raven without Niall. Since he had started working on the jaeger with Adam, he could barely bring himself to be inside. He found external things to do that didn’t involve being in the cockpit, but all of a sudden when Kavinsky showed up, he wanted to do something they’d never even tried in private before. It wasn’t as if Adam didn’t understand the need to prove himself. Kavinsky had pissed him off too. But Ronan had rushed into it and crumbled under the pressure. It was stupid for him to have tried something that substantial for the first time in front of an audience. Adam felt a twinge of annoyance at Ronan’s bravado, but mostly he just ached. 

He ached because he felt all the things Ronan felt in the drift; his love, his anger, his grief. He ached because he couldn’t stop seeing Ronan’s wrecked face, his wide eyes, his trembling hands. He ached because he wanted this so bad, and it had been right there, but someone had taken it from him. He was sure that if they drifted once, just once, it would get easier. No one would doubt him then. He had been so close to being successful, but Ronan had broken down under the pressure. He didn’t know if he should blame Ronan for wanting to prove himself so bad, or Kavinsky, for pushing them to do something they should never have tried so soon. 

Adam wandered into the computer room overlooking the bay and found Henry sitting in front of one of the monitors. He knocked on the open door softly and watched Henry look over his shoulder and smile at him. 

“Hey, Adam. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“I was just thinking,” Adam replied, stepping into the room and clasping his hands together. “I think it’s probably really hard for Ronan to be in the Raven. In the drift, everything was going well until he got kind of caught up in a memory from inside the cockpit and it broke down. I was wondering if maybe there’s another jaeger we might use? I know, obviously, they’re not just lying around, but do you know of any? At another Shatterdome, maybe?”

“Oh,” Henry frowned, looking up at Adam from his desk chair. “We tried that already. After Niall’s death, the director guessed that being inside the Raven would be triggering for Ronan, but Ronan was too valuable an asset to just give up. He offered Ronan a new jaeger - this was back when the Raven had been basically totaled. She got pretty torn up in the attack. But Ronan refused. He said he didn’t want a new one. He insisted on fixing the Raven. He worked on her alone for months, like, obsessively. He wouldn’t accept help from any of my techs either.” 

Adam nodded silently, deep in thought.

“Adam I think… I don’t think there’s a way around this one. I think you’re going to have to convince him to go through it,” Henry said.

“And I have had great luck with that before,” Adam’s reply was sarcastic and strained. Henry graced him with an apologetic look, then picked a headset up off the table and held it out to him. 

“Blue and Gansey are about to do a routine drift, wanna sit in on it?” 

“Sure,” Adam replied, taking the headset and dropping himself into the seat next to Henry. He pressed the headphone to his good ear and watched as Henry turned back to his computer. 

“All ready?” Henry asked into his microphone. Adam heard Blue reply in the speaker over his ear.

“Yeah, let’s go!”

“Alright, I’m connecting you.” Henry flipped a couple switches on a dashboard in front of him, watching the screen light up. In front of Adam’s eyes, Blue and Gansey connected without incident. It took them all of sixty seconds to drift, sharing thoughts and feelings and memories as if they had been the same person their whole lives. Together, alive, successful.

Adam ached.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed !!

**Author's Note:**

> Hey if you liked this, you can leave a comment here but you can also yell at me on tumblr! https://sadwizardvibes.tumblr.com/


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